Wednesday, November 08, 2006
defeated.
i had my main study exam today...
its the first time i took an exam, and walked out wanting to cry so badly.
yes, so what if im 18 and im a guy.
no one will understand how much music means to me.
its my life, its in my blood,
its as if my only means to live on.
everywhere i go, i make music.
everywhere i go, i hear music.
sigh... okay.. wont go on.
main study exam is a CONFIRMED fail.
firstly because i forgot to bring my LOGBOOK, which records down all the main study lessons which u had with your mainstudy teacher, what u've learnt, how to improve on, everything is included inside, so i forgot to bring it.
secondly, i WAS TOLD, that i can play at my free timing and tempo as long as its not TOO slow, however, when i went into the room, Tim O'dwer and Darren Moore gave me a tempo which is like quite slow, BUT playing semiquaver notes. thank goodness i practise my scales at quite a fast speed. but what killed me was arpeggios. worst thing is, when u request for 1 more time, they dont allow you to do so. wrong means wrong. how can i play arpeggios so fast when im only given 2months to learn everything... its too much for me...
i was even told i can play at a comfortable speed..
sigh.. out of 10, i probably had 2 perfect, 4slipped badly and the rest flunk.
i was feeling pretty nervous when waiting outside.
because it's after all my FIRST technical exam, which tests scales and arpeggios..
when i went in, and did so many slips, i just cant help but sigh to myself.
in my life, i had NEVER fear exams..
even when i know i didnt prepare, and will definitely do badly, like my O levels,
i'd still go into the examination room and do my best with no regrets.
i really did so much preparation this time..
i really did... every sunday's electone lesson,
i'd isolate myself in a room, and practise all my scales and arpeggios.
when i've spare time, or breaks in between lessons in school,
i'd practise so hard until my mind cant concentrate,
practise so hard until my eyes feels like shutting, and still go on.
im really defeated by this exam.
its my first exam which i feel so defeated...
despite practising so hard, i felt everything was in vain.
i couldnt even achieve a pass.. its 90% a fail for that im sure.
im helpless.. totally helpless.
that i had to hold back my tears
what can i say...
other than hold my tears until i leave the auditorium.
thank you wenwen,
just nice when i needed somebody u were there.
just nice. luckily i told u to come today,
i really never thought it could be this bad..
its my music exam.. music, my life.
i totally flunk it even doing my utmost preparations.
nothing but helplessness.
».lostindestars.« @ 6:10 AM
